Polite Indian

Repeat after me:   I LOVE MY JOB…I WILL NEVER COMPLAIN ABOUT MY JOB. !!

The following is an “actual” advertisement in an Irish Newspaper!

1985 Blue Volkswagen Golf For Sale
Only 15kms run after purchase.
Only first and reverse gears used
Never driven hard
Original tyres
Original brakes
Original fuel and oil
Only one driver
Owner wishing to sell due to employment layoff.

See Photo

A young second generation Indian in the US was asked by his mother to

explain the significance of “Diwali” to his younger brother, this is how

he went about it…

” So, like this dude had, like, a big cool kingdom and people liked him. But, like, his step-mom, or something, was kind of a bitch, and she forced her husband to, like, send this cool-dude, he was Ram, to some national forest or something… Since he was going, for like, something like more than 10 years or so.. he decided to get his wife and his bro along… you know…so that they could all chill out together.

But Dude, the forest was reeeeal scary shit… really man… they had monkeys and devils and shit like that. But this dude, Ram, kicked ass with darts and bows and arrows… so it was fine. But then some bad gangsta boys, some jerk called Ravan, picks up his babe (Sita) and lures her away to his hood.

And boy, was our man, and also his bro, Laxman, pissed… And you don’t piss this son-of-a-gun cuz, he just kicks ass and like… all the gods were with him… So anyways,you don’t mess with gods. So, Ram, and his bro get an army of monkeys.. Dude, don’t ask me how they trained the damn monkeys… just go along with me, ok… so, Ram, Lax and their monkeys whip this gangsta’s ass in his own hood.

Anyways, by this time, their time’s up in the forest..and anyways…it gets kinda boring,you know… no TV or malls or shit like that. So,they decided to hitch a ride back home… and when the people realize that our dude, his bro and the wife are back home… they thought, well, you know, at least they deserve something nice… and they didn’t have any bars or clubs in those days… so they couldn’t take them out for a drink, so they, like, decided to smoke and shit…and since they also had some lamps, they lit the lamps also… so it was pretty cooool… you know with all those fireworks… Really, they even had some local band play along with the fireworks… and you know, what, dude, that was the very first, no kidding.., that was the very first music-synchronized fireworks… you know, like the 4th of July stuff, but just, more cooler and stuff, you know.

And, so dude, that was how, like, this festival started.”

Two women go out one weekend without their husbands.

As they came back, right before dawn, both of them drunk, they felt the urge to pee. They noticed the only place to stop was a cemetery. Scared and drunk, they stopped and decided to go there anyway. The first one did not have anything to clean herself with, so she took off her panties and used them to clean herself and discarded them.

The second not finding anything either, thought “I’m not getting rid of my panties…” so she used the ribbon of a flower wreath to clean herself.

The morning after, the two husbands were talking to each other on the phone, and one says to the other, “We have to be on the look-out, it seems that these two were up to no good last night, my wife came home without her panties…”.

The other one responded: “You’re lucky, mine came home with a card stuck to her ass that read, “We will never forget you”.

A man takes the day off work and  decides to go out golfing.  He is on the second hole when he  notices a frog sitting next to  the green.  He thinks nothing of it and is  about to shoot  when he  hears, Ribbit 9 Iron.”
The man looks around and doesn’t see anyone. Again, he  hears, “Ribbit 9 Iron.” He looks  at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts the club away, and grabs a 9 iron.
Boom!  He hits it 10 inches from the  cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog, “Wow that’s amazing.
You must be a lucky frog, eh?  The frog replies, “Ribbit Lucky frog.”

The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole.
“What do you think frog?” the  man asks. “Ribbit 3 wood.”

The guy takes out a 3 wood and,  Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn’t know  what to say. By the end  of the day, the man golfed the  best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, “OK where to next?”
The frog replies, “Ribbit Las Vegas.

” They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, “OK frog, now  what?” The frog says, “Ribbit Roulette.” Upon  approaching the roulette table, The man asks, “What do you think I should  bet?”
The frog replies, “Ribbit  $3000, black 6.” Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game the man figures what the heck.

Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the  table.

The man takes his winnings and  buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, “Frog, I don’t know how to repay you. You’ve won me all this money and  I am forever grateful.”

The frog replies, “Ribbit Kiss Me..” He figures why not, since after all the frog did for  him, he deserves it. With a  kiss, the frog turns into a  gorgeous 15-year-old girl. “And that,  your honor, is how the girl  ended up in my room. So help me God or my name is not William Jefferson Clinton.”

The queen of England is celebrating her 100th birthday. All the VIP and Star personalities are invited for the grand celebration, from all over the world. On the list are names of two such VIPs, Mr.Narad Pawar & Mr.Topinath Munde from India. When they arrive at the queens palace, the function is just about to begin and the queen is already seated on her throne.

The queen announces, “I am very thankful to all the guests who have come to wish me on my birthday. I am also, thankful for all the gifts that I see your hands. But, I have a condition for accepting your gifts, which must be satisfied, only then shall I accept them. If, I don’t like your gift, I will have it pushed inside your Ass.”

The visitors get shocked on the queens wish. But, they had no option but to offer their presents. So one by one they all line-up and wish the queen and present their gifts.

When Mr.Narad Pawar is next, he hands out a “Pappaya” to the queen. The queen looks at it and gives a very depressed look. She nods No and asks her attendents to go ahead with her wish. So they, make Mr.Pawar bend and start the ritual of inserting the Pappaya in his ass.

During this process Mr.Pawar, instead of screaming and crying, surprisingly starts laughing loudly. All the people including the queen is stunned and confused by the laughing.

So, the queen gets very angry and asks him: “what is the matter with you? Why are you laughing? Does that not hurt you?”
Mr.Pawar, still laughing and tears rolling down his cheeks says, “No your majesty, I am not worried about me.” “I just can’t control my laughter with the thought and imagination going in my mind!” The queen asks, “What is it about?”

Mr.Pawar says, “Wait till you see My friend Mr.Topinath Munde with his GIFT! He has come with a “JACK-FRUIT, for your majesty’s birthday !”

At age 4, success is… not peeing in your pants.
At age 12, success is… having friends.
At age 16, success is… having a driver’s license.
At age 20, success is… having sex.
At age 35, success is… having money.
At age 50, success is… having money.
At age 60, success is… having sex.
At age 70, success is… having a driver’s license.
At age 75, success is… having friends.
At age 80, success is… not peeing in your pants.